My CBS News Interview on Postpartum Depression…the Emotions are Still Raw

imageIt was an average Tuesday morning when I got the call from a fellow blogger that CBS was looking for a woman to speak about her experience with Postpartum Depression. Knowing I had written about my experience in the past she referred them to me. After a whirlwind call they were at my door two hours later.

Postpartum Depression can be a sensitive subject for many women and may bring on feelings of guilt, judgement (of themselves), sadness, loneliness and anger. I have always wanted to be an open book about such things so that I may encourage other moms in their journey. Hence, why I have written about my experience on my blog.

What I was not expecting was how raw my emotions still are. I broke down in tears as she asked me if there had been a breaking point where I knew I needed help. Of course there was a moment. A moment of pure exhaustion where all rational thinking is gone. A moment where I could no longer take the crying. A moment where I no longer had strength to rock him to sleep one more time. A moment where I screamed at my newborn. It was a raw real moment of utter despair. Looking at this little miracle in your arms, a miracle that you should be grateful for, and not being able to bond with him is the worst feeling in the world as a mom. Thankfully I had an amazing partner who could take over when I could no longer function.

I had no idea which parts of our interview would be shared but as I let my walls come down (for ALL to see) my hope and prayer is that if there is a woman watching, suffering in silence, she won’t feel alone. That she will find the support she needs to get help and will eventually emerge from the darkness and into the light.

If you so feel led I would love to hear your own journey with PPD. Please comment below or send me an email if you prefer (Kate (at) Retromodernmom (dot) com). And if you are still suffering it would be such an honor to pray for you.

Here’s the link to the CBS News Los Angeles clip

His Firsts are My Lasts

Munchkin (4 weeks old)

Munchkin (4 weeks old)

There’s something that happens to your perspective when you know you’re done having children. I’ve shared before what a TOUGH transition it was to three children. We knew from the moment we became pregnant with Munchkin he would be our last baby. Every first for him will be the last for me.

As his first birthday looms a few short weeks ahead I find my mind remembering our journey together this past year. I thought I would share my open letter to my last baby.

 

To my sweet Munchkin,

You are almost a year old and as I look back on our year together I am almost brought to tears. It is no secret that we had a rough start. Partly due to my post partum depression but also because of the sheer number of children there was to tend to. I won’t lie, it took me quite awhile to get to know your cries, your signs. I struggled and wondered why on Earth God would give such a beautiful baby to a mom that was unable to bond instantly and pour herself into your every need. But God is faithful and when you were five months old he opened a door in the form of a plane ticket to visit your grandpa in Minnesota.

Munchkin and Grandpa

Munchkin and Grandpa

It was you and me kid. The first flight for you and the first time you and I had ever had concentrated one on one time together. Even though the trip was supposed to be a gift to my Dad for his birthday it ended up being the greatest gift you and I had received. Strapped in your Ergo baby carrier you were a complete angel on the flight. I found I didn’t want to put you down the entire trip, and I wasn’t the only one. You took immediately to your Grandpa (who was meeting you for the first time) and I basked in the glow of what an absolute wonderful baby you really were. We finally connected, you were part of me… and from that moment on my perspective changed.

I adored wearing you in your baby carrier just so I could look down and kiss that soft head. I enjoyed putting you to bed in the evenings and the bond we shared of breastfeeding. Once you learned about food you took to feeding yourself like a fish to water. Those precious breastfeeding days have slowly come to an end.

You certainly took your time to sit (6.5 months) and crawl (11 months) but I didn’t mind. I knew those milestones would come but for right then I just enjoyed this precious baby stage that I knew would leave so quickly.

Retro modern mom - his firsts are my lasts

Munchkin 5 months old

Your smiles and laughter are infectious and I find myself kissing you uncontrollably. I savor our time together and never tire of holding you close knowing there will soon be a day when you will be too big.

Retro modern mom - his firsts are my lastsOne thing that fills my heart with joy is how much you ADORE your brothers. I never thought a brother relationship would be this special. Gone are the days of you sitting in your bouncer watching mommy cook. You crawl after them all over the house, never for a moment wanting to be left out. If it’s snack time for them you scream until you get the exact same thing. You find your eldest brother to be fascinating and laugh at anything he does.

I know my days of “putting the baby down” are coming to an end. Pretty soon you will be demanding bedtime stories with your brothers and wanting to share the room they already do. But for now I sit in the dark cradling you and feeding you a bottle. Watching how you play with your hair as your eyelids slowly close. Listening to your content coos. Holding you a little longer than I need to knowing you already are starting to push me off signaling me you want to be put down in your crib to drift to sleep on your own.

My love for you is beyond measure and I can finally say I cannot imagine my life without you in it.

I look forward to many more ‘firsts’ with you but know that with every first step, first day of school, first friend, first heartbreak, first car there is a tinge of sadness as those firsts shall be my lasts.

Retro modern mom - his firsts are my lasts

Munchkin 10 months old

Your Loving Mama

 

 

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