Is it possible? Am I really only four weeks out from my due date with this baby? It still amazes me how time flies and yet it still feels like I have been pregnant forever! I am not gonna lie this has been a tough pregnancy. Medically speaking it’s been fine. No major complications, back pain (as in the past), or ongoing physical issues. Of course there’s always the heartburn, hip pain, and general discomfort that applies to all pregnancies but overall I do feel blessed to not have anything major to deal with in that regard. BUT…emotionally this has got to be the toughest pregnancy by far!
I’ve learned a lot from my past pregnancies and births so I feel more self aware of what’s happening with my body but those darn hormones are still SO overwhelming. The lack of control over how I feel has been the worst. I am on an emotional rollercoaster and there are times when I just need to cry…for NO reason. Then the guilt starts. Why am I crying and feeling so horrible? You are such a complainer and no one wants to be around a complainer! I should be grateful for so much in my life! Why do I dwell on such small insignificant things and overreact? Then enters the frustration. I usually am so much more laid back and can let these things go! Why can’t I be as patient and compassionate as I normally am? How am I supposed to teach my kids about self control with tantrums when mommy can barely keep it together? And finally comes anger. I HATE this! I just want my body back! I want my brain back! I want control over what I say and how I act! I want the energy and physical ability to run with my kids, pick up my toddler and enjoy playing with them again. No one understands how hard this is!
Lately I have been watching my favorite movie clip from What to Expect When You’re Expecting. One of the main characters is pregnant with her first and is speaking at a baby expo. Her monologue perfectly encompasses how difficult pregnancy can be. It’s not all beautiful and exciting. It’s exhausting hard work and is pretty gross at times! My all time favorite line is when she looks at her husband in the crowd and says “Gare Bear I’m sorry but all I wanna do is punch you in the face… but I love you so much so I don’t mean it.” And that pretty much sums up how I feel.
There’s no rational reason for every feeling that comes out of my brain. And frankly I can’t always control it. The level of physical exhaustion is so great at times there’s no mental energy to keep those filters in place. You know the ones I’m talking about. The self control that keeps you from losing your cool when your kids still aren’t listening to your orders to get their PJs on when you’ve told them five times in a row. The filter that keeps you from sticking your foot in your mouth when a friend laments about her single zit on her otherwise perfect skin while you battle with red scaly blotches all over your face from the influx of hormones that has caused you to invest in enough cover up to fill a landfill. The filter that keeps you from punching the well meaning woman in the face when she says you really shouldn’t be carrying your 21 month old as it could hurt the baby in your belly. (Ok I didn’t punch her in the face but my level of love for this woman wasn’t what it should have been).
So in an effort to not continually feel horrible about saying or doing the right thing I decided to only hang around people that understand where I am at right now. I just don’t have the bandwidth for more right now. Can I get an AMEN from my ladies who get this?!
And for those preggo friends out there here’s the clip from What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Enjoy! Just try not to pee your pants.