This blog has always been a place where vulnerability and honesty live. I want the things I share to be real, helpful and encouraging. Sometimes that may mean sharing an honest review of a product I am loving in hopes it becomes a favorite of my readers. Sometimes that may mean coming clean about an embarrassing #momfail moment (we ALL have em!). But then there are those things that are very personal. And although it may be hard to write those stories I think they are just as important. As today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day I wanted to share something personal.
I lost my first baby. There I said it. The words are out. Yes I know miscarriage is common. Yes I know it was early on. My brain knows all these things yet that doesn’t make the pain any less when you are in the midst of it. The fact remains we were ESTATIC and could barely keep from blurting out the news to everyone we saw. We had already mentally started making plans, buying books and even a few maternity things (I am SUCH a planner!). We had told my in laws in the most special way we could think of and their reaction was priceless (it was their first grandchild). So when we lost that baby six years ago it was devastating. It’s not something a ton of people knew happened and the ones that did didn’t know what to say. Frankly there isn’t much to say except I’m sorry. One friend left me a single pink rose on my doorstep and when I saw it I burst into tears. It was perfect and I will never forget how much that gesture meant. It gave me the permission to grieve and let it all out.
Did I eventually get past that pain? Of course. To be honest I actually don’t think a ton about it anymore. Granted I’ve got plenty to occupy my time with three boys though. 😉 Yet the part that made me so angry was how losing my first ripped away the single feeling of innocent joy at becoming pregnant. All other pregnancies would be tainted by the fear this loss gave me.
We were able to concieve again a year later but I was an absolute WRECK the entire first trimester. My anxiety and fear at losing this baby as well were overwelming. When we passed the mark of when we lost our first baby my fears subsided a little but I still had a really hard time bonding with him throughout the pregnancy. That’s what loss will do to a person. The pain is so great and so devastating it’s hard to become that open and vulnerable again. Allowing yourself to be hurt again. And yet God gave me the strength to do it three more times resulting in the blessings of little boys.
I share this not to garner sympathy but to let others know they aren’t alone. I understand. No matter if you’ve had a miscarriage, stillbirth or an infant death it’s all devastating and difficult. Thankfully I have a faithful and loving God who never left me in the pit and guided me through those valleys. I know He can do the same for you.