There’s something that happens to your perspective when you know you’re done having children. I’ve shared before what a TOUGH transition it was to three children. We knew from the moment we became pregnant with Munchkin he would be our last baby. Every first for him will be the last for me.
As his first birthday looms a few short weeks ahead I find my mind remembering our journey together this past year. I thought I would share my open letter to my last baby.
To my sweet Munchkin,
You are almost a year old and as I look back on our year together I am almost brought to tears. It is no secret that we had a rough start. Partly due to my post partum depression but also because of the sheer number of children there was to tend to. I won’t lie, it took me quite awhile to get to know your cries, your signs. I struggled and wondered why on Earth God would give such a beautiful baby to a mom that was unable to bond instantly and pour herself into your every need. But God is faithful and when you were five months old he opened a door in the form of a plane ticket to visit your grandpa in Minnesota.
It was you and me kid. The first flight for you and the first time you and I had ever had concentrated one on one time together. Even though the trip was supposed to be a gift to my Dad for his birthday it ended up being the greatest gift you and I had received. Strapped in your Ergo baby carrier you were a complete angel on the flight. I found I didn’t want to put you down the entire trip, and I wasn’t the only one. You took immediately to your Grandpa (who was meeting you for the first time) and I basked in the glow of what an absolute wonderful baby you really were. We finally connected, you were part of me… and from that moment on my perspective changed.
I adored wearing you in your baby carrier just so I could look down and kiss that soft head. I enjoyed putting you to bed in the evenings and the bond we shared of breastfeeding. Once you learned about food you took to feeding yourself like a fish to water. Those precious breastfeeding days have slowly come to an end.
You certainly took your time to sit (6.5 months) and crawl (11 months) but I didn’t mind. I knew those milestones would come but for right then I just enjoyed this precious baby stage that I knew would leave so quickly.
Your smiles and laughter are infectious and I find myself kissing you uncontrollably. I savor our time together and never tire of holding you close knowing there will soon be a day when you will be too big.
One thing that fills my heart with joy is how much you ADORE your brothers. I never thought a brother relationship would be this special. Gone are the days of you sitting in your bouncer watching mommy cook. You crawl after them all over the house, never for a moment wanting to be left out. If it’s snack time for them you scream until you get the exact same thing. You find your eldest brother to be fascinating and laugh at anything he does.
I know my days of “putting the baby down” are coming to an end. Pretty soon you will be demanding bedtime stories with your brothers and wanting to share the room they already do. But for now I sit in the dark cradling you and feeding you a bottle. Watching how you play with your hair as your eyelids slowly close. Listening to your content coos. Holding you a little longer than I need to knowing you already are starting to push me off signaling me you want to be put down in your crib to drift to sleep on your own.
My love for you is beyond measure and I can finally say I cannot imagine my life without you in it.
I look forward to many more ‘firsts’ with you but know that with every first step, first day of school, first friend, first heartbreak, first car there is a tinge of sadness as those firsts shall be my lasts.
Your Loving Mama